Xmas in Semarang

i said "see you next year" in my last blog but i feel like writing this one so that i can remember it later when i am old ^_^ so yesterday was xmas eve, we planned on going to church but change of plan, i was having surgery on my wisdom teeth, both of the lower ones...actually my upper one (the left one was already taken off) was supposed to be taken off but the doctor was afraid i would have too many bleeding and could not eat for long time...i tested my blood sugar before surgery and it was 71 mg/dL, i thought "great, i don't have juice!" so i took the risk of going to the surgery and suspended my insulin ^__^...i resumed my insulin after the surgery and thank God i didn't have hypo during the surgery wakakakkaaa...actually i think it was really close 'coz the next morning my blood sugar was only 55 mg/dL...so i cannot chew today, i can only have porridge haiihhhh what a xmas present! the food here is soooooo gooddddd i can't wait till i can chew again...i really enjoy being home although our house is like disaster hahahahhaaa many things are damaged and everything is out of place but other than that everything is wonderful, my skin is not dry anymore and i am surprised that we are not having a lot of mosquitos ^-^ o i forgot to mention, when i was in singapore, i left my insulins in my hotel room fridge!!! wakakakkaa well i am laughing now but absolutely not at that time, i was panic 'coz i realized it after we boarded in our ship (we were cruising for 3 days) which means it was 5 hr after checking out of the hotel...i called the hotel and phewwww they still saved my insulins...Gosh and luckily my insulin on my pump was enough until we're done cruising, i told my mom "well if it's not enough than i won't eat" hihihihihiii but actually i still had plenty of insulin left over after cruising...by the way i took a pic of me and my teeth yesterday but i cannot d/l it to my comp 'coz i don't bring the cable sooo i'll post it later...alrighty Happy Holidays & Merry Xmas to those who celebrate ^.= ciao~

Vacation to My Lovely Home

I am at Changi Airport, Singapore right now...it's 2 about 2 am and we are all wide awake >.< me and my family are staying over in Singapore for 3 days but a friend of mine is leaving for Semarang this at around 7 am. We met another Indonesian girl when we flew from Denver to LA and she has been with us ever since coz she has the same exact flight path and plus this is her first time going back home (she is a freshman). My blood sugar was quite ok, just had one high ~220 mg/dL but other than that has been stable at 70-120 mg/dL...i didn't change the time on my pump yet but i had to check my blood sugars often...i ate Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice cream on the plane yummyyyy, i didn't finish it though, just had half of the tiny container...o when we stopped at Narita in Japan, i saw a really cute green tea can, the can looks like a geisha, so the lid has the face and the container has the kimono...i really wanted to buy it but hmm...it was pretty expensive and i don't really drink green tea that much, i wish it was a maccha powder so that i could use it for baking...anyway i have to log out now coz we have 15 min limit to use the internet so happy holidays everyone!!! See u next year~

Low Blood Sugars

My blood sugars have been fairly high lately especially in the afternoon (the highest was 334 mg/dL), then yesterday when I changed my injection site, it was completely a purple circle with dry blood!!! arghhh...i think it has been bleeding for long and blocked my insulin flow...then since i changed it last night, my blood sugars have been crazily low...last night i was about to pass out i even had to suspend my insulin, man i was really sweating...i stopped the insulin and just kept eating...it was my first time to have low blood sugar that severe, it took me a while to feel better...then after i felt good, i resume my insulin and gave myself a little bit insulin to cover the food i ate...the next morning it was still 72 mg/dL...this afternoon before eating was 87 mg/dL and evening before eating was 73 mg/dL wowwwww i think this is the lowest blood sugar i've ever had in my life!!! i don't know what's going on in my body pheewww i am just amazed of how my life is so full of ups and downs...rock & roll baby ^__^

Learn to Laugh =D

I am learning something new at my work. My friend Alisa is the girl who is in charge of doing preparation for the cooks at perkins. So she chops fruits and vegetables, baking turkey/meatloaf, etc. Whenever she did something wrong, first thing that she did was laughing. That is the complete opposite of me. I always have panic attack when I did something wrong. She is so funny, she just said "oopsie hahahahhaahaaaaha", she laughed out loud. And it made me laughin too. So now whenever bad things happen or whenever I do something wrong, I try to laugh...I think it actually brings up my mood to try fixin the problem AND who knows it may make others laughin too hahahahahahahahaa =D

New York Baby!!!

I got accepted!!! YEYYY =D I just got accepted by the Culinary Institute of America with one condition though: complete 6 months work experience in food service...so i have to work until feb at least but that's okay i love my job =P o and i got scholarship too but now i am applying for other scholarships hoping that my tuition fee will be a lot less...it is expensive but i think it will be worth it...i want to learn speaking French over there and i really hope i can do an externship in Paris hahahahhaa am i dreaming too much? i just think that food tastes better in french =P and plus since i was a kid i have always wanted to travel around the world and i really love europe...i think it's very romantic i said to my mom if i get married, i don't want a party or anything, i just want honeymoon in europe hihihiihihihi it's okay to dream big rite? anyway let's see where the wind takes me

One Fine Day

so today is my birthday...it turned out to be uhmm not as bad as i thought it would be...actually it is one fine day =) one of my best friends even post a happy birthday for me on her blog, thanks a lot debbie!!! =D anyway i ate a lot of sweet stuff today okay woke up in the morning i ate some pirouline (semprong) man i cannot stop eating that thing it is sooo good...then me and my family went to Dublin Bay for lunch (it's an irish restaurant) and we ate Bailey's pie for dessert hohohoo it was really goooooood i think it becomes my favorite ice cream now (maybe a tie with pistachio almond) gosh then my mom and sister bought me chocolate ice cream cake..i am not sure if i can even eat it now cause i am so full...and feeling guilty too hahahhahahaa =P but i went to the gymn to run though, hopefully i shook off some of that sugars =P finally i could make it to 30 minutes again yippie!!! i love running, it makes me feel like flying =) anyway i want to thank all of you who have made my day so special...peace out ^^v

Defining Moment

I have been trying to make myself very busy lately. It makes me stay away from negative thinking that way. But maybe I've gone too far, I need to catch my breath. I was so tired I felt like my body was falling apart. My blood sugar rocks and rolls again. My psychiatrist said that since I stopped taking clonazepam which is an anti-anxiety drug, my stress level could have elevated causing which affected my blood sugar. I think it is true, I often felt anxious lately. This morning I called my diabetes educator and she adjusted my bolus ratio to 15 grams carb per unit. She said I might have taken too much bolus so my blood sugar drops after eating and bounces up again. So I followed her advice but noticed my blood sugar went up in the afternoon. So I increased my basal rate for the afternoon. It is so much better now.
Anyway I just found out today that I really need to work in the food service for 6 months to be considered for the culinary school admission. Sigh...this sucks. That means the earliest possible is April next year and it is only IF I get accepted.
I really cannot describe my feeling now. I don't know what the word is...empty maybe? It's not a good feeling for sure, I feel like crying, I feel like talking to somebody but I am not sure if anyone would understand me. I think I am hitting the very bottom of my life. I read from a book, "When you are at the bottom of life, at least learn something!" That's just what I am doing right now. I keep on learning and learning...learning from my mistakes, learning mostly about me. I just realize that I am losing myself. I am not sure if I have truly found out who I am. I know now what my teacher told us about defining moment. It is some rare moment in our life which would either break us or make us. This is my moment and I certainly hope that it would make me.

Check it out!

Read some of their stories...God bless these brave kids! http://www.childrenwithdiabetes.com/kids/d_02_100.htm

Chasing my dream

I just applied for a culinary school in baking and pastry program >.< hahahahaa finally i did it...i've been wanting to do so but have no courage...i realize that it's something that i really want to do, the thing that i really have fire on, it's my passion. The school is in Hudson, New York, about 90 minutes from New York city (by train). The school requires 6 months experience in food service industry so I work in a restaurant called 'Perkins' now. I worked as a baker there. The funny thing is I did not plan to apply at Perkins, I thought the job would be as a cook. I applied for some bakeries but at the end of the day when I was done applying at Panera Bread (located just next to Perkins), I saw a sign in Perkins "Now Hiring". Somehow I went in and asked. Just as I thought the job would be as a cook but then again I applied for it although it was not what I wanted. I explained to them that I needed the experience to apply for culinary school. I then filled the application form over there. While I was working on that, the manager came to me and asked me if I would be interested in being a baker. Boom, I was so happy because I did not think that there was a position in baker. He then asked me what time I could work. Since at that time I had conflict with my father about getting home late, I said "maybe not too late, like before 9 pm". Then the manager said "O okay, what about early in the morning at 4 am?" Then I said yes because I thought it would be a test and challenge for me if I really wanted to deal with bakeries. So far I love it very much. There is nothing beat me seeing what I made earlier were sold well. It feels so good seeing empty plates hahahahahahahaaa...

Anyway, yesterday was really weird. I was walking to my car and whispered "God I miss him so much, I miss him so much. But I guess it's over now. It's over..." Then I got in my car, turned on the radio and boom..."It's Not Over" song by Daughtry...the song was almost at the end so it's like this:

It's not over, yeah...
This love is killin me
But you're the only one
It's not over...

I thought "What the hell?!?!" Was it a sign? O well, pathetic me @.@

Diabulimia

I was watching the news the other day and they were talking about psychiatric problem called diabulimia. That was exactly what was happening to me for the past 4 years. Diabulimia is manipulating insulin intake in order to lose weight. That was what I did. I cannot remember how exactly it began but I remember exercising very hard and reducing my insulin until one day I threw up at the gym (because there was no insulin to convert sugar to energy, my body use my fat to produce energy and ketones which are acidic were produced). I remember when I was in Indonesia, I ate anything I wanted and ended throwing up in the bathrooms. One time, I was in the mall and I could not even go to the bathroom. I was so sick I threw up in the waste bin. Gosh, it was really horrible. I remember when it was Ash Wednesday I was praying so hard to end my behavior...I kept praying but no, I could not stop it. I even went further because I wanted to lose more weight. I stopped takinginsulins for my meals, cut down the lantus and eat anything I wanted. I became very sick and one day it was so hard to breathe and that was when I ended up in the emergency room. The doctor said I almost died; I thought he was joking. But I think about it again, if my ex-boyfriend did not get me to the hospital at that time, I might not be here writing. After that I was still struggling. I knew how many units of insulin I should take in order to prevent me from throwing up but still stopped me from gaining weight. I just took 10 units of lantus a day and that's all, no more short acting insulin, just a little bit of the long acting insulin. It was just the beginning of this year I started to get help and stopped playing with the insulins . Anyway, I was very surprised to know that I am not alone. It was so sad that the girl in the news died at age 28. I know that some people might look at us and think that we are crazy. But believe me, it was not easy at all...it was not easy to think that you were dying and you were dying alone. It is even not easy for me to write about this again. All I know that I needed help but I could not get any. So if you know someone has this problem, please don't blame or judge, please give him/her a help. It is not easy to help though, sometimes just a big hug would do. For me, I remember a doctor called me and just saying "Deborah, we can help!" It was when I finally gave up the play. If any of you have diabetes, please don't start doing this. Believe me, it's a nightmare, it's not worth it. Even now I am still on my battle. I have lost 20 pounds to 98 lbs but now I am gaining weight again as my health gets better. I know I am on the right track, but it is just hard. I never have a stable weight in my life. It is either way above or down below. Sometimes people look at me as I am too thin but I always have a different mirror.

Don't Worry...Be Happy

I had a fight with my dad again yesterday. He said so many things but one that was bugging me was that he thinks that I am arrogant now having had my MBA and determined that I could make my own decisions. Well I think I deserve to make my own decisions, don't I??? I am almost 24 now for God sake. He said that all of my decisions have been bad except for my academic. It really burnt my feeling. How dare he judge me with the fact that he's NEVER had my life even for just one second. Maybe his life has been tougher than mine but it was completely different. He is never put in my shoes so I don't think he has the right to say whether I am right or wrong. He can give me advice but no one has the right to judge me!!! I always think that there is no right or wrong, there is only consequences. I wanted to say that but I remained silent. He is so sensitive now that if I say anything, he would feel disrespected. I went home trying to just forget what he said and remembered what my best friend said "Don't worry, be happy!" She said her dad likes singing it. I found the song in you tube and listened it all night long :D

...

I was wrong...I am such a bad person to just judge without evidence. I am not sure if he (my ex) has another girlfriend now; I was even worse to judge who the girl was. I really regret of what I said, what I thought, what I assumed. Even if he does find his love, I would be very happy for him. I think I can finally understand what love is. That being said, the reality is far harder...it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Anyway, my life really sucks at this time. Just now, another fight with my dad. I really think that I have to go...I think it's my destiny to be alone but I don't know, we'll see. It's not that I hate anybody...oh how I wish I can just hate, it would make it a lot easier. But I have tried, tried to hate but my heart just refused to do so. But deep down I am thankful for that, I feel really blessed because hate would just steal me away from peace. Yesterday, I talked with my doctor and she said "It is not your responsibility to make anybody happy. It is not your responsibility to make your parents happy. Even when you get married later, it is not your responsibility to make him happy. We are responsible for our own!" I think that it is true. She said that whatever life they have chosen, it's their choice, I cannot change it.

A Fool

I am sorry for not writing for a while. I was very busy preparing our food science competition in chicago. I just came back 3 days ago. It was a really fun trip I must say. Although we didn't make it to the top three (we were number four), we learnt a lot through the competition. I was worried that my legs will bother me but I actually reduce my medicine (neurontin) during the trip. I forgot to take it one day and I was fine so I just kept it twice a day up until now. I also met with my high school vice principal there and it was like a nostalgia back to high school. The funny thing is that he was taking classes and I didn't, just the opposite of when I was in high school =) Ohh I ate a lot of sugars hahahhaahaha yeahh real sugars...like egg tart, green tea cake, mochi ice cream, pistachio almond ice cream (my favorite kind of ice cream) yummmmm sugars taste sooo good; I looked like a kid again =D I had a hard time adjusting my blood sugar but it was still okay.
I am glad that the trip turned out to be fun because the day before we went, I was in a real bad mood. One of my turtle (named mimi) was stolen. The kids on the block said that they saw a little girl took it. I was very sad; I put a lot of signs around but he is not coming back until now. Now my other turtle (named momo) is lonely; I want to buy other turtle but it's not available on her size. If I put baby turtles together with her, she will hurt them. But I think she will be fine though, she is a tough turtle heheueheheehe...Anyway, I had a huge fight with my dad, this time is about him (my ex), about my freedom, about choosing my way of life.
I think about it again now, I start questioning is it worth fighting for him? I just found out that he is in a relationship now. I think I know who she is and I think they are getting married soon. Could it be worse? It was like getting a bomb on my face. So I finally understand the real reason why he left me...I think he didn't tell me the truth because he didn't want to hurt my feeling. Well, this way is actually worse. O Gosh he is the only one I trust but he is the only one who has hurt me the most. I just can't describe my feeling right now, am I just a fool? Well, at least I think he is happy now so God has answered my prayer. Anyway, for me, must have rains to see the rainbow. I think I haven't had my rains enough just yet.

Thank You for the pain

I had a great lesson yesterday. I was watching a documentation movie in TV called "Living Without Pain". There are some people that are born without the ability to feel any pain. Gosh I never thought how painful it is to not feel pain. There was this little girl, she was 4 when all of her teeth were ended up taken off because she kept chewing her finger to its bone! Then she had to wear goggles day and night because she kept scratching her eyes. One of her eyes was then taken off too because of a bad infection. Yes, the whole eye!! Then she burned her hands a couple times by touching light bulb and waffle maker. O my God it was terrible, there were really black burned spots on the palm of her hand. So there I was sitting in pain watching my opposite. I knew that God was talking to me and I answered, "Thank You for the pain!" I almost lost it too you know. If I did not treat my blood sugar soon enough, my nerves might have been damaged and I might not be able to feel anything at all.

Thank You for my nerves still feeling the pain
Thank You for my legs still dancing
Thank You for my eyes still seeing clearly
Thank You for my ears still hearing
Thank You for my kidney still working
Thank you for my hairs still growing
Thank You for my heart still beating strong and loving
Thank You for my hands still typing with speed
Thank You for my brain still thinking and remembering
Forgive me for whining and complaining

Illusions

I've been struggling to get my life back. I am on my way though. It's very slow but I am getting there. I had a dream of a black and white wedding. I thought that was weird ^_^. Anyway, last weekend was fun; I went to my best girlfriend. She was my roommate and I am blessed to have a friend like her. It was very comforting to chat with her and we then watched Ratatouille (funny movie :D). Then I got a message from my high school's sort of like vice principal (wakil pamong) that he is in Chicago getting his master's degree. He has been a priest now. I like chatting with him because he is funny and always encouraging =). By the way, last night I watched a movie called "Instinct" in TV. Wowww, I love it love it. It makes me realize that everything that I have lost is just an illusion. I never own anything in this world but one thing we can all pursue is freedom. Control and power are just illusions; made by human. Somehow after watching that movie, it feels so much easier to let go of everything that was not mine in the first place. It's just an illusion that I thought I owned. But I am free to love, free to say no, and free to live. I am free to choose. Finally, I can feel peace and smile again.

I said HEY, WHAT'S GOIN ON?

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means

And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar.

And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say: HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say: HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea
I said hey, what's going on?

ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh
ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh

and I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution

And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution.

And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh ooooooooooooooooh

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
for a destination
mmh mh

The cloud in my head

He came back last week and when I heard his voice, I was so excited I did not feel the pain in my legs no more. It was so good to see him but everything was different. I know I should have expected this but you know, it's easier to be said than done. Ever since that day, I kept bugging him on the phone trying to find a reason to talk with him. I guess I have to stop now. He kept his promise today though. I requested him my last wish: dancing. O God how we danced gracefully. My eyes were closed tight the whole time and I knew, I was very sure, that God was watching us. I should have picked up a longer song but I decided to pick up "our song". I was very grateful to have that opportunity but I was so sad to let him go. He will not stay here long and he doesn't let me go with him. You may think how pathetic I am but he is really a big part of my life. He was my inspiration. How ironic, I still remember when I was diagnosed with diabetes I was sad thinking that I will not be able to eat my wedding cake with my future husband. Now, because of the pump, I can eat real sugar and I am still sad because I have no one to share with. I am sorry, it's just good to write this off of my mind cause otherwise I just sit on my bed all day long looking like a crazy woman. Anyway, 2 days ago at 8 pm, my doctor called me. She said that my HbA1c was 6.1% yeyyyy normal is below 6% but this is my best result since I was first diagnosed. I was happy with the news but I was really touched that she called me that late. She is just the best doctor. She really cares for her patients. Alrighty, my health is getting better and better but my mind is just the opposite. To be honest, I never felt this low in my life; sick, lonely, no career, no future whatsoever. I am almost falling apart. So I guess I have to work on this now; gotta keep moving...gotta keep breathing no matter how painful it is. I guess that's life.

Healing

Last monday I saw a gastrologist. He told me that he wanted to have a procedure called endoscopy done to me. It is a very tiny camera that is inserted to my stomach trhough my throat so that he can see my stomach lining. That way he can detect any inflammation , ulcer, and take a sample of it to see if there is bacteria. I was sooo nervous the night before; I was scared to death. I imagined me opening my mouth and this thing go inside it ewww...plus I had to be fasting from midnight until the test was done which was the next afternoon (good thing I had slow digestion, I was not hungry at all tee hee hee) So it was the time to do it, my mom told me to not worry. Then my nurse said,"What really said was have fun ! But don't get used to it too much ." I smiled but had no idea what she was talking about. I laid down trembling cold so my nurse had to get me three warm blankets. They were very nice and comforting. Then she had a little chat with me and told me that I will be asleep but I will be able to hear everthing and she told me that when the doctor said swallow, I should do it. She also told me that after the procedure, the doctor will talk to me but I should have my mom with me because I might forget what he says. I was like okayy, this is weird, I never have problem with remembering; I don't think. Then suddenly I was awake and everything was done. I did not fell and remember anything. I was sleepy though. But man, my legs felt like normal again. I asked my nurse, "Did I swallow?" "Yupp!!" She said. I then asked her if they gave me pain killer and she nodded too. Then when I met with the doctor I asked him if I could have the pain killer again and he just smiled. Okay, maybe not then. I told my primary doctor about this the day after and she just laughed saying "Of course! It was a tiny dose of narcotics! You don't want too much of that." Hahahaa....everything makes sense now. That's why too I was told not to make important decision 12 hr after the procedure. Oh man, I swear it made my whole body good and made me happy. But I am okay with how I am now too though. My legs are improving although my stomach is still learning to eat again. I am in my healing process and I am very grateful =)

Hehehee...

GUESS WHAT??? I am so close to recover yeyyyyyyyyyyyy my mom read from internet that vitamin called alpha lipoic acid can help nerves so I tried it and wooshhh miracle happened. My feet can dance again tee hee hee well, it's not 100% yet but it's just so much more than I could ask for. It also cleanse my blood stream and help my metabolism so now I have a lot of hypos...yesterday was crazy I got hypo for 4 times from noon to 5 pm. Then I could not stop eating ^__^ and my blood sugar got up until 280 mg/dL. I felt sick but I immediately gave my body insulins and this morning it went back to 75 mg/dL again. It was like roller coaster but it's alright. I decrease my insulins a lot today so hopefully I don't get anymore hypo but not get hyper either.

Living with Pump

It's been 3 weeks since the first time I put on my pump. Other than hating the hanging tube, it's been fine. I have been keeping it on my tummy though since I am too thin to put it on other parts. My weight has been quite stable at 100 lbs now pheww...I was afraid to look like a walking skull. Anyway, my gastropharesis (slow digestion) problem has been on and on; I eat almost everything liquid now or at least semi liquid. Two days ago was quite scary; I thought I was really about to die. Here's the story. It was about 9:30 pm and I got little bit hypo. It was 75 mg/dL but for some reason I felt really hungry. So I ate my crackers and finally decide to eat chocolate bread for just one bite. I think the last time I ate chocolate bread was 12 years ago. It was so good that I forgot to chew it real well. Then about half an hour later I started feeling not good. I started screaming again but stopped when all the lights and sounds have been turned off. I was ok for a while but then suddenly it was so hard to breathe and I had abdominal pain too. O my God, it was terrible. But then I threw up some clear liquid and I got better. Then a little bit later it came back again. This time it was REALLY hard to breathe; I thought it was my time! But thank God...thank God I threw up the bread (Yes, the only 1 bite I got). Apparently it got stuck on its way down. Gosh...gotta keep breathing...gotta keep breathing!

Graduation

I just graduated yesterday!! This time it is for real; I come to the real world now. I felt happy yet scared. Anyway, for my health update, my doctor change my medication to neurontin, It is a medicine to calm down the nerve. It has been working soooo well =D I love it; my legs have been close to recovered. O by the way I just found out that I have been having headaches because of low blood pressure. So yesterday my mom bought me a handy blood pressure monitor (it's like a big watch). I noticed that my blood pressure dropped every time I was hungry =) Luckily the graduation gown is very big so I can hide the meter on my hand. I was really worried if anything happened to me yesterday at the graduation ceremony but no, everything was fine. I was really happy to see a lot of my friends cheering for me. He could not come though. But he gave me a dolphin necklace soooo cuteeee!! I was really happy; I felt that he was there for me =) I think I was too happy that I had a very sweet dream about him last night =P

My Gift

Two days ago I decided to stop taking the anti-depressant and reduce my sleeping pills. The anti-depressant has really made me depressed and it has not help my legs anyway. It did at the beginning but not so much anymore. So I thought, while I am still in a small dose I just stop it. My doctor is on vacation this week so I cannot discuss this with her. I hope I did the right thing.

Ever since I had diabetes, I have always been sour about it. I really wish I can be a normal girl; I want to eat whatever and whenever; do whatever and whenever. I really wish my life is going back to before I was 12. Then, yesterday I watched Halle Berry in TV. She has been diabetic and she said it was a gift from God. It really hit me. I thought to myself I'd better to start thinking that way. Yes, it is my gift for it has made my life more meaningful. Normal is boring!

Surviving

As much as I tried to think that everything was getting better, it has not. It just comes and go. One day I would be fine; the next day would be the opposite. I have been having problems with eating and sleeping; two things I could never imagine to have trouble with. My body just keep shrinking; I weigh 102 lbs now. My legs have been improving but not recovered completely yet. My doctor has prescribed me with acid reducer, anti-depressant, and sleeping pills. It has been helping a little bit but I got headaches as its side effect. I am also constipated, too. My bowel movement has been once in 3-5 days. Anyway, although I am really getting tired of these, I am surviving. I am grateful that I am willing to take care of myself right now. It's all that matters for me right now.

Shit Happens

I am feeling so much better today; trying to get back on track. I even hopped on my bike again and made it for 30 minutes woo hooooo....I think I can start running again this weekend. I really hope so. My legs are getting better; even their hairs start growing again tee hee hee...sometimes I am just amazed of what blood sugars can do to my body. Anyway, I often feel nauseous again lately and this morning I was supposed to go to the hospital to have x-rays of my stomach. But I postponed it to tomorrow morning because I was supposed to be fasting after midnight but my blood sugar dropped too low during my sleep. So I had to eat and drink or otherwise I would have passed out.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I think I finally understand why my relationship failed. The bottom line is that he doesn't love me. So that's it, it's almost like a death sentence. I'd better learn to accept it. I mean what can I say? That's just how life is, shit happens you know. But I am thankful to have such a beautiful memory; I will carry it on for the rest of my life. It just reminds me that afterall life can be a miracle too. So people, while you are holding on to someone you love with all your heart, don't forget to cherish that moment every second and never let it slip away. As for me, come what may; just bring it on; I am ready. 'Coz for God sake I will be 24 years old this year and life does not stop here.

Today

Dear God,
Forgive me today as I start to hate the world
There was once thing called love
just died
There is so much hate in me right now
I can't hide it no more

God, forgive me I am falling
But I promise to be strong again someday
but not today
Today, I am frozen
I know You will keep me warm
but not today
not today

The Good and the Bad

I went to other doctor available in student health center last tuesday as my doctor is out for vacation...and the good news issss...my nerves are not damaged! phewww =D they just misfire (miscommunication) as my blood sugar decrease dramatically. So she said that she was not even sure that it was diabetic neurophaty. She prescribed me with a small dose of anti depressant to help me sleep at night but I ended up not taking it because I got much better. So I just continued using the capsaicin lotion (it's actually the hot substance from hot pepper, that's why it felt warm =D ) and up until today, my legs have been recovering but not completely yet. They still felt cold sometimes especially in the evening and I still have difficulty in sleeping but I don't feel nauseous anymore =)

I wish that I can stay positive and strong but I miss him so much. Gosh I really wish he is with me, I feel so lost without him; I just can't do anything right. I remember how he always made me laugh. I guess what they say is right, you'll never know what you've got 'till you lose it.

Diabetic Neuropathy

Gosh, this previous week has been nightmare. I lost my appetite, felt nauseous everytime I ate, and my legs HURT! It hurt so bad especially when I touched it and it felt super cold. I lost a lot of weights too. Yesterday I was 111 lbs; 6 pounds less in 2 weeks. I was lucky that my mom searched through internet soon enough to find out what was wrong with me. It turned out to be diabetic neuropathy. It was some damage in my nerves. It seemed to commonly happen when blood sugar is brought to under control for the first time. Anyway, my mom went to wal-mart and bought capsaicin lotion for my legs and I could finally sleep last night. I do not want to experience anything like this ever again in my life and I promise myself that I will not!!

Insulin Pump

I went to my endocrinologist yesterday. My mom accompanied me this time. I think she could see the fear in me. It felt really great to have her with me; it was just so comforting. Anyway, my doctor said that I would be a perfect candidate for insulin pump. My blood sugar has been on roller coaster and using insulin pump should smooth it out. He warned me though that it would take more effort and commitment. He told me to expect testing my blood sugar for 6 times a day. I told him that I wanted to do it. So he set me up for appointments with his diabetic educator who will teach me how to use the pump. Unfortunately she is so busy that I can meet her on March 27 the earliest. Meanwhile, he told me to split up the Lantus injection to be 13 units at 10 pm and another 13 units at 10 am.

Happy news!!! My doctor said that the artificial pancreas was out there. It is similar to the pump but it can read blood sugar and automatically gives whatever dose of insulin needed. It is available but it is still very expensive and insurance still does not cover it at all. When I told this to my mom, she immediately said that she would pay for it. She did not ask how much! It was the greatest love I have ever felt. If God allows me be a mom someday, I wish to be like her. She seriously forced me to go back to my doctor and asked for it but I finally convinced her that the device is not perfect yet.

So here I am, I think the world will never go slow and easy on me. My graduation date is ticking, I will be out of school this May and that means I won't have health insurance anymore. I have been looking for information about this and been recommended to apply for cobra, which can extend my health insurance up to 18 months. But of course, I will have to pay for the premium charge. Sigh...I just hope that I will have the strength to keep my feet on the ground. It is just getting harder and harder.

No Lantus in Muscles

I have been having hard time to sleep lately since I have sore muscles in my feet. It hurts like crazy especially during bedtimes. I thought it was because of my exercise but I just found out that it was because I have been injecting lantus on my front feet! I did this in order to get better rotation of injection site. But I just found out to never ever inject lantus in muscles and nerves. Thank God I found this out soon enough because it was really painful. So I changed my Lantus injection site back to my tummy and I can sleep better now. Speaking about sleeping better, there is another problem. I have been having a lot of hypos lately. Just now I had the lowest, 58 mg/dL!!! Man I have never been that low; my hands were really shaky I am glad I checked my blood sugar soon enough. I am not in the mood of eating lately and it could have made my blood sugar better or it was my better blood sugar that has caused me not feeling like eating. It is the classic chicken and egg time. Anyway, I will see my new doctor tomorrow; we'll see if he agrees to decrease my NovoRapid dose.

Blast from the past: Baby Steps

I have lost everything but I still have not lost myself for sure. It's time to get my life back. I started seeing my doctor and dietitian again. I could see that my doctor was mad but I could never believe how much care she had for me. I had always been treated like her own daughter. She just said one statement to me,"It was ancient; it was a history. We can do better this time!" What a comforting statement; it really gave me a new hope. She told me that my case was not unusual thing; it actually happened to other people. My dietitian was also very supportive to me. She patiently listened to what I said and she told me that I had some kind of eating disorder. I learned bit by bit to accept my body image. She was very patient with me and told me to just take baby steps. She said that my diabetes management should fit my eating habit, not the other way around. She also mentioned that I focused too much on my diabetes and it was not healthy for my mind.

I started my log book again; my blood sugars were in the range of 72 to 458 mg/dL. I had some hypos and some highs and it was not a good time. It's gotten better though. I am still in the same insulins but my doctor increase the doses. Now I am on 26 units of Lantus at around 10 pm and 1:10 (1 unit for 10 grams carbs) ratio of NovoRapid. She also increased my correction factor to be 1 unit for every 40 mg/dL after 150 mg/dL blood sugar. When I got period, she increased my correction factor to be 1 unit for every 30 mg/dL.

I also RUN again woo hoo I love running, it just cleared out my bad mind. Whenever I got sad, I did some running and it brought me back to life. I changed my strategy on exercising this time; I did it moderately but continuously. I run for 30 minutes and work out for another 30 minutes every Sunday and bicycle for 30 minutes in weekdays. I gave myself a break on Saturday. I planned on swimming again but still could not find the right time that fit my schedule. I would also start my golf classes on March 5; I thought it would help me to keep active. However, exercise was not easy for me. It tended to increase my blood sugar. My doctor told me that my hormone level was increased during the exercise and so was my blood sugar. Thus she told me to exercise right after meal so that the insulin would still be active and she was right! My blood sugar was so much better; I did not have any 400's anymore.

Despite all of these good news, my blood sugar was not as stable as desired yet. My doctor told me that I had very slow digestion so that my blood sugar usually got higher after 4 hours because I did not have the rapid insulin anymore while my body was still absorbing the food. I think that my mouth is too fast consuming and my body is too slow digesting lol =) Anyway, she referred me to an endocrinologist who knows a lot about insulin pump. I would meet with him on March 6 for the possibility of using insulin pump (sigh) I actually had a lot of fear on this one. I did not think that another change would be a good thing for me but if it would make my life better I would do it. Insulin pump contains 3 parts: a disposable infusion set (small needle to be attached to my body), the pump (controls, batteries, etc), and the insulin. The insulin is just rapid acting and it would act as both the basal (like Lantus) and the bolus (like NovoRapid). Thus, the pump would be programmed to continuously give me drops of insulin and I should push button to give me more insulin when about to eat. I did not want to expect too much from this because anything could happen. I just kept this in my mind: worst case scenario, I would be back on my daily injections.

Blast from the past: Happy New Year 2007

I kept hearing weird voices. "If you don't stop it, I'll take everything!" Somehow I thought that God was talking to me but I just closed my ears. Then, it happened. I lost everything in a blink of an eye. It was supposed to be a happy new year but it was not for me. My love flew away; my heart just shut down. If there was someone to blame, it would be me. My career life did not do any better either; I have been collecting my rejection letters. It was a complete breakdown; I had nothing else to lose. Never in my life I felt that sad and lonely; it was so hard especially at bedtimes. But I think there was beauty in it. It made me stop for a while and try to analyze my life. I kept thinking why was I so unlovable? I realized that it was not because nobody wanted to but nobody can. I never let them. So I had to start from myself. I had to take care and love myself before I can start giving and receiving from others. I also realized that mind came first; others would follow. I had to start from my mind because everything I do and feel start from my brain. I forced myself to deconstruct my brain and tried to look diabetes not as a disease but as a lifestyle. That way I would never get tired of it. No one could never get tired of sleeping I suppose, so if I set my mind on diabetes as a lifestyle, it was more likely to be succeeded. I also tried to look my life in a bigger picture because indeed it looked very hard piece by piece but in the bigger picture, life is strangely fair. I kept listening to my favorite song from Monty Python; it is called "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life". This song really cheered me up.

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Blast from the past: Falling in Love

This was a miracle day; falling in love is the greatest feeling. Life was so good; I cherished every moment. I had never met a person with such passion and fighting spirit for life. He kept saying that he wanted to contribute at least one thing to make a better world. He can be assured that he's done to mine. He took a good care of me and motivated me to start my daily exercise again. He taught me how to run for 30 minutes which I had never thought to have the ability to do. He accompanied me swimming for other times to prevent me getting bored of running. He pushed me so hard that one of my friend questioned him whether it was too much for me. He always set my goal higher because he knew I could do better. He taught me how to stand up straight and be strong. But it was not an easy lesson. One year later, I ran away again. I wanted to be thin and slim but I was tired of exercising and dieting. I then started to cut down my insulin and eat anything I wanted. I also stopped seeing my doctor and dietitian. I received many calls from my doctor but I ignored her. I was very obsessed with my career too. I dedicated my life 100% for my career and put aside my priority on my health. In fact, my career and education life went really well just as I wanted. It was a very easy yet stupid solution. It was the dumbest decision I had ever made. Day by day, I started losing weight and I was proud of it. But I was sick; I felt so sick that one day my boyfriend had to take me to an emergency room. Just as I thought, I was ketoacidic. There were so many ketones in my body that I had hard times to breathe. The doctor said that I was brought to the hospital just in time, I could have lost it. After I was released from the hospital, my body recovered but not my mind. I started injecting more insulin but still not enough. I stopped exercising completely because I knew that exercising would make it worse during hyperglycemia (high blood sugar). I ate like crazy even more than my boyfriend did. I hurt myself so damn well but I did not realize that I hurt him even more. I had said and done things that I regret; I was completely lost. My family was worried about me too; especially my mom. She was very sad seeing me out of control. I had never been hospitalized again but it had gotten my eyes several times. I had several solar inflammations; my eyes felt burning when seeing lights. Sometimes my sight went blurred too. It had gotten to my feet too; my feet got swollen many times and I could not wear high heels. There was so much anger in me at that time. I was angry not because I had to have injections everyday. I was angry because I had to count every bit carbohydrates I ate; because I knew I had to deal with it always and forever; because even when I thought I did it right, it did not go as well as I wanted; because life was so damn hard. It was even harder because I am the kind of person who struggles to be opened to others, I really am. Sometimes if I force myself to be opened, the words just came out differently.

Blast from the past: Coming to America

After graduating from high school, my parents sent me to the U.S. to go to Iowa State University. They were so relieved that I could finally be far away from my boyfriend. I found a brand new life in the U.S. My mom was with me for the first month and she helped me settled down. She took me to a doctor in the campus student health center. After a couple visits, my doctor changed my insulin to NovoRapid (generic:aspart) and Lantus (generic: glargine).
NovoRapid acts faster than the short acting insulin in the mixtard so that it can take care of my food consumption more effectively. On the other hand, Lantus acts more slowly for longer time (24 hour) than the intermediate one in the mixtard. Using this combination, I can theoretically have more freedom of when to eat and what to eat. As consequences though, I had to inject more frequently. I gave myself Lantus once a day at the same time (around 10 pm) and gave me a shot of NovoRapid every time I was about to eat any carbohydrates. Now, the amount of Lantus that I injected every night was fixed but for the NovoRapid, it was adjusted to how much carbohydrates I ate. Thus, I had to learn counting the carbohydrates to better manage my diabetes. I had regular appointments for my doctor and dietitian for this. I was told to give 1 unit of NovoRapid for every 15 grams carbohydrates. Also, I had to test my blood sugar prior injections and if it was higher than 150 mg/dL, correction factor was added (1 extra unit for every 50 mg/dL blood sugar). So, for example, if my blood sugar was 250 mg/dL and I wanted to eat 60 grams carbohydrates, I would inject 6 units (2 correction factor+4 for carbs). This way, my blood sugars could get closer to the goal, which was 80-120 mg/dL before meals and 100-180 mg/dL after meals. I was also warned about hypoglycemia (low blood sugars). My doctor told me that if I felt dizzy, sweating or shaky because of hypoglycemia, I should consume either half cup of fruit juices/regular sodas, or 1 tablespoon of honey/sugar then check my blood sugar after 15 minutes. If it was still low, then consume another one. This method would prevent its reverse condition (blood sugar became very high) which had always happened to me before. I was so excited about this; it was true that I had more freedom. BUT life did not get any easier. I started to eat more proteins and fats because I thought that I did not have to get injections for that. I loved eating a lot of breakfast sausages and scrambled eggs back when I was living in the dorm. I started gaining weight and the highest I had was 130 lbs. It was not all, stress made it worse. One day my boyfriend told me not to call him ever again and gosh how I felt to be betrayed. I kept thinking, how could he do this to me? I started to go out of my mind; I remember eating a full giant bag of potato chips without giving myself any drop of insulin. I went to student counseling for help but I did not come back for any follow ups because it was not very helpful. It was a hard time for me but I was so blessed to have friends who were always there for me. Both of them ended up being my wonderful roommates when I moved to apartment.

Blast from the past: Living in a Nightmare

Years passed by; I became so used to needles I did not even feel any pain or discomfort anymore. I was also very excited when my grandpa gave me his static bicycle so that I could do my daily exercise anytime at home. Life was getting better but my HbA1c test (average blood sugar over an 8-12 week period) was not at the point desired. This test is different from my daily tests, this gives bigger and clearer picture of how my blood sugars have been. HbA1c tests should be done once in 3-6 months and the best I had was 8%. Normal people would have less than 6% and the goal for diabetics are less than 7% in order to prevent complication later on in life. I have always been haunted by the potential future complications such as heart disease, kidney disease, diabetic retinopathy (blindness), sexual problems, frequent infection, and surgical loss of a foot/leg. Yes, it scared me to death but that made me fight everyday for another healthy day. However, I did not always win the battle; I screwed up a lot of times too. When I was in high school, I was introduced to "love". Love is the most beautiful thing in the world but it can be painful if it is misunderstood. I thought I knew what it meant but I was not. My parents noticed this and consequently, they did not approve our relationship. It was so painful because it was me against my own parents; I was living in a nightmare. Stress built up over and over and my blood sugar sky rocketed. I tried hurting myself a lot of times by not giving my body enough insulin and I even thought of suicide. One time I tested my blood sugar and it was so high that my machine could not detect it. It was so bad because stress increases blood sugar and high blood sugar can cause even more emotional stress. I lost control over myself; I was a runaway. But I was not alone, I was so blessed that I had my friends' supports I cannot thank them enough. My little sister helped me out a lot too; she never got tired of listening to me and felt for me. Sometimes I felt guilty I might have ruined their lives. I admit that I lost my battle but never once in my life I give up. I was sure to fight again.

Blast from the past: My First Life Event

I can still remember what I dreamed the night on the D-Day. I had a gigantic delicious-looking cake in front of me but sadly, I woke up when I was about to eat it >-( Perhaps, it was a sign. Anyway, I was taken to a doctor and prescribed some medicines. He also asked me to start a strict diet and it went pretty well because my mom took a good care of me and helped me every second. My blood sugar was tested in the lab frequently and was consistently good. However, I still kept losing my weight until it hit 85 lbs and I did not even try to step on the scale anymore. I even lost an inch of my height (from 64.5 inch); I was so terrified. I did not have my periods for 3 months because my body fat was not enough (less than 22%) to produce the estrogen. I was not the only one who had lost weight. My mom had lost a lot too but she was unbelievably strong for me. About 2 months later, my parents took me to a hospital called National University Hospital in Singapore to see a specialist. I could not speak English very well at that time let alone Chinese. Fortunately, my dad was quite good on speaking both and could make conversation to my doctor very well. He told my dad that he was very skeptical about the pills I had been taking. After carefully learning about my condition, he wanted to do a little experiment to me. He told me to come back the next day early in the morning fasting. I was then given a pure glucose solution and my blood was drawn and analyzed every hour for a total of six hours. He wanted to see my insulin production in response to my blood glucose level. Then came the bad news: seeing the result, my doctor told me that I had to start insulin injections. O my Lord, I can still feel that moment. Never in my life I had imagined to live day by day with needles; they were my biggest fear. I freaked out, I could not hold my tears and it was definitely my first life event. It was a big slap on my face. I was so confused I thought I did alright with the pills and diets. Then my doctor explained to me that I had been in a "honeymoon period", a short period of time after the diagnosis of type 1 diabetes during which there is some restoration of insulin production and the blood sugar levels improve to normal, or near-normal levels. Unfortunately, like other honeymoons, this diabetes honeymoon did not last forever and apparently not for long for me. He said that the beta cells on my pancreas had stopped producing insulin so that the glucose in my body was not used to create fuel. Then my body used the alternative resource, which was my body fat. That was why I kept losing weight. The danger of it though was that it produced ketones as its by-products. High levels of ketones are harmful, so as soon as they started to rise, my body tried to get rid of them through my urine. Trying to get rid of not only the ketones but also the unused glucose had made me extremely dehydrated and needed to pee very often. If the ketones continued to build up, it would act like poison and could cause blurred eyesight, hard breathing, fruity smell odor, and tiredness. I tried my best to understand and accept it. After that visit, my parents learned how to poke my fingers to test my blood sugar. I can understand now how hard it must have been for them to teach me how to do it. My dad ended up spilling all the test strips when first time trying to poke my finger. However, it was so much more painless and convenient than having it done in the lab. I came back to the hospital the next day and had to stay some nights in there so that they could teach me how to give myself the insulin injections and adjust how much insulin I needed. I was told to use mixtard insulin twice a day, in the morning and before dinner. Mixtard contains 2 types of insulin: fast-acting and intermediate-acting. The morning shot was supposed to cover my breakfast and lunch while the evening shot was supposed to take care of my dinner and the rest of the night. After I was released from the hospital, we all went back home and it was almost my 13th birthday. I felt very sad I did not want to celebrate my birthday. I told my mom that I wished I could be normal. She said to me,"Everyone carries his/her own cross; you just need to look down sometimes. You are lucky enough to be diagnosed this soon!" I guess she was right; I always look to people above me and never look at those who suffer.

Blast from the past: D-Day

My life was perfect until I was in my fourth grade. That was when I started eating out of control. I was 125 lbs at age 10 and it kept going up until I gave up my courage to step on the scale. I can still remember how embarrassed I was to have my first pair of jeans sized 9. I was always the biggest among my friends and my sibblings even bigger than my older brother! I prayed and prayed to be beautiful like other girls. Then miracle came. One day, about two years later, I was brave enough to weigh myself and it was 114 lbs!!! O my God how I felt like dancin'. I told my mom right away eventhough she was out of town for my aunt's silver anniversary. She was so happy for me and said "You must have been on diet!" I smiled and laughed but felt confused because I was NEVER on diet. Anyway I did not care. Losing weight was the only thing I cared; I was the happiest creature on earth. This went on and on until I reached 92 lbs. My mom started getting suspicious. She realized I was not on diet; I ate more than ever and I was always dehydrated all the time. I also had to pee like crazy. Another strange thing was I found lots of my hairs on my pillow every morning when I woke up. One morning when I was 12 years old, my mom asked all of her children to put a glucose test stick when we urinated. Well lucky me, I was the only one that had glucose in my urine. The stick turned to dark blue which meant that there was HUGE amount of glucose.
Never thought that diabetes could happen to little kids, I was shocked and I was not the only one. I could still remember my mom's expression trying her best to be brave for me. I knew just a tiny bit about diabetes back then. All I knew was that my grandparents, who had been diabetics for long, had to take some pills and reduced sweets consumption. I thought to myself "I could do that! It should not be that bad..."