Diabulimia

I was watching the news the other day and they were talking about psychiatric problem called diabulimia. That was exactly what was happening to me for the past 4 years. Diabulimia is manipulating insulin intake in order to lose weight. That was what I did. I cannot remember how exactly it began but I remember exercising very hard and reducing my insulin until one day I threw up at the gym (because there was no insulin to convert sugar to energy, my body use my fat to produce energy and ketones which are acidic were produced). I remember when I was in Indonesia, I ate anything I wanted and ended throwing up in the bathrooms. One time, I was in the mall and I could not even go to the bathroom. I was so sick I threw up in the waste bin. Gosh, it was really horrible. I remember when it was Ash Wednesday I was praying so hard to end my behavior...I kept praying but no, I could not stop it. I even went further because I wanted to lose more weight. I stopped takinginsulins for my meals, cut down the lantus and eat anything I wanted. I became very sick and one day it was so hard to breathe and that was when I ended up in the emergency room. The doctor said I almost died; I thought he was joking. But I think about it again, if my ex-boyfriend did not get me to the hospital at that time, I might not be here writing. After that I was still struggling. I knew how many units of insulin I should take in order to prevent me from throwing up but still stopped me from gaining weight. I just took 10 units of lantus a day and that's all, no more short acting insulin, just a little bit of the long acting insulin. It was just the beginning of this year I started to get help and stopped playing with the insulins . Anyway, I was very surprised to know that I am not alone. It was so sad that the girl in the news died at age 28. I know that some people might look at us and think that we are crazy. But believe me, it was not easy at all...it was not easy to think that you were dying and you were dying alone. It is even not easy for me to write about this again. All I know that I needed help but I could not get any. So if you know someone has this problem, please don't blame or judge, please give him/her a help. It is not easy to help though, sometimes just a big hug would do. For me, I remember a doctor called me and just saying "Deborah, we can help!" It was when I finally gave up the play. If any of you have diabetes, please don't start doing this. Believe me, it's a nightmare, it's not worth it. Even now I am still on my battle. I have lost 20 pounds to 98 lbs but now I am gaining weight again as my health gets better. I know I am on the right track, but it is just hard. I never have a stable weight in my life. It is either way above or down below. Sometimes people look at me as I am too thin but I always have a different mirror.