Defining Moment

I have been trying to make myself very busy lately. It makes me stay away from negative thinking that way. But maybe I've gone too far, I need to catch my breath. I was so tired I felt like my body was falling apart. My blood sugar rocks and rolls again. My psychiatrist said that since I stopped taking clonazepam which is an anti-anxiety drug, my stress level could have elevated causing which affected my blood sugar. I think it is true, I often felt anxious lately. This morning I called my diabetes educator and she adjusted my bolus ratio to 15 grams carb per unit. She said I might have taken too much bolus so my blood sugar drops after eating and bounces up again. So I followed her advice but noticed my blood sugar went up in the afternoon. So I increased my basal rate for the afternoon. It is so much better now.
Anyway I just found out today that I really need to work in the food service for 6 months to be considered for the culinary school admission. Sigh...this sucks. That means the earliest possible is April next year and it is only IF I get accepted.
I really cannot describe my feeling now. I don't know what the word is...empty maybe? It's not a good feeling for sure, I feel like crying, I feel like talking to somebody but I am not sure if anyone would understand me. I think I am hitting the very bottom of my life. I read from a book, "When you are at the bottom of life, at least learn something!" That's just what I am doing right now. I keep on learning and learning...learning from my mistakes, learning mostly about me. I just realize that I am losing myself. I am not sure if I have truly found out who I am. I know now what my teacher told us about defining moment. It is some rare moment in our life which would either break us or make us. This is my moment and I certainly hope that it would make me.