I have been trying to make myself very busy lately. It makes me stay away from negative thinking that way. But maybe I've gone too far, I need to catch my breath. I was so tired I felt like my body was falling apart. My blood sugar rocks and rolls again. My psychiatrist said that since I stopped taking clonazepam which is an anti-anxiety drug, my stress level could have elevated causing which affected my blood sugar. I think it is true, I often felt anxious lately. This morning I called my diabetes educator and she adjusted my bolus ratio to 15 grams carb per unit. She said I might have taken too much bolus so my blood sugar drops after eating and bounces up again. So I followed her advice but noticed my blood sugar went up in the afternoon. So I increased my basal rate for the afternoon. It is so much better now.
Anyway I just found out today that I really need to work in the food service for 6 months to be considered for the culinary school admission. Sigh...this sucks. That means the earliest possible is April next year and it is only IF I get accepted.
I really cannot describe my feeling now. I don't know what the word is...empty maybe? It's not a good feeling for sure, I feel like crying, I feel like talking to somebody but I am not sure if anyone would understand me. I think I am hitting the very bottom of my life. I read from a book, "When you are at the bottom of life, at least learn something!" That's just what I am doing right now. I keep on learning and learning...learning from my mistakes, learning mostly about me. I just realize that I am losing myself. I am not sure if I have truly found out who I am. I know now what my teacher told us about defining moment. It is some rare moment in our life which would either break us or make us. This is my moment and I certainly hope that it would make me.
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3 comments:
I don't know what to say here... Even you may say I don't know what you feel, I know your life may be hardest right now...
I think you should try to find companion and share your thoughts. Let it be your mom, sister, brother, friends, or God :-)
They may not give you the right answer straight away but at least by knowing someone is always there for you, it should be a great motivation to stay positive and keep on doing a good job.
Don't force yourself, I know you are able to do good jobs even though you are taking dozens of activities at the same time but then sometimes our body can't cope with our mind. It's not because your diabetes but because here's a limit to everything, even for the healthiest person ever :-)
When you feel like crying, just call me or send me email :) I'll listen to your thoughts
- deb ^^
hi,
i don't think i know you, and you most probably don't know me, but i saw the link of your blog from debie's (the culprit who just commented right above me!), and after reading your blog i feel compelled to leave a comment because i find you inspirational. your writing moved me, i read every post you have written. you're so young yet so brave. stay positive and keep on fighting. every one of us is striving one way or another but all of us are blessed (whether we chose to see it or not) with so many things. friends, family, even strangers (like me :D) who care.
just want to let you know that i've bookmarked your blog too; i hope you don't mind.
I was just accidentally become "iseng" and clicked some links from my friends' blog, and I found ur blog
I thought it was only an ordinary blog, but i was wrong, and I finished read all of ur postings at once
Thanks DJ, u're very inspiring
I learned so much from u
now I know how we should always be grateful for everthing we have right now
You are a very strong girl, you made it until know,
Keep on spirit and God bless you ^^
Remember: "Badai pasti berlalu"
- a friend of ur friend -
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