Shit Happens

I am feeling so much better today; trying to get back on track. I even hopped on my bike again and made it for 30 minutes woo hooooo....I think I can start running again this weekend. I really hope so. My legs are getting better; even their hairs start growing again tee hee hee...sometimes I am just amazed of what blood sugars can do to my body. Anyway, I often feel nauseous again lately and this morning I was supposed to go to the hospital to have x-rays of my stomach. But I postponed it to tomorrow morning because I was supposed to be fasting after midnight but my blood sugar dropped too low during my sleep. So I had to eat and drink or otherwise I would have passed out.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I think I finally understand why my relationship failed. The bottom line is that he doesn't love me. So that's it, it's almost like a death sentence. I'd better learn to accept it. I mean what can I say? That's just how life is, shit happens you know. But I am thankful to have such a beautiful memory; I will carry it on for the rest of my life. It just reminds me that afterall life can be a miracle too. So people, while you are holding on to someone you love with all your heart, don't forget to cherish that moment every second and never let it slip away. As for me, come what may; just bring it on; I am ready. 'Coz for God sake I will be 24 years old this year and life does not stop here.

Today

Dear God,
Forgive me today as I start to hate the world
There was once thing called love
just died
There is so much hate in me right now
I can't hide it no more

God, forgive me I am falling
But I promise to be strong again someday
but not today
Today, I am frozen
I know You will keep me warm
but not today
not today

The Good and the Bad

I went to other doctor available in student health center last tuesday as my doctor is out for vacation...and the good news issss...my nerves are not damaged! phewww =D they just misfire (miscommunication) as my blood sugar decrease dramatically. So she said that she was not even sure that it was diabetic neurophaty. She prescribed me with a small dose of anti depressant to help me sleep at night but I ended up not taking it because I got much better. So I just continued using the capsaicin lotion (it's actually the hot substance from hot pepper, that's why it felt warm =D ) and up until today, my legs have been recovering but not completely yet. They still felt cold sometimes especially in the evening and I still have difficulty in sleeping but I don't feel nauseous anymore =)

I wish that I can stay positive and strong but I miss him so much. Gosh I really wish he is with me, I feel so lost without him; I just can't do anything right. I remember how he always made me laugh. I guess what they say is right, you'll never know what you've got 'till you lose it.

Diabetic Neuropathy

Gosh, this previous week has been nightmare. I lost my appetite, felt nauseous everytime I ate, and my legs HURT! It hurt so bad especially when I touched it and it felt super cold. I lost a lot of weights too. Yesterday I was 111 lbs; 6 pounds less in 2 weeks. I was lucky that my mom searched through internet soon enough to find out what was wrong with me. It turned out to be diabetic neuropathy. It was some damage in my nerves. It seemed to commonly happen when blood sugar is brought to under control for the first time. Anyway, my mom went to wal-mart and bought capsaicin lotion for my legs and I could finally sleep last night. I do not want to experience anything like this ever again in my life and I promise myself that I will not!!

Insulin Pump

I went to my endocrinologist yesterday. My mom accompanied me this time. I think she could see the fear in me. It felt really great to have her with me; it was just so comforting. Anyway, my doctor said that I would be a perfect candidate for insulin pump. My blood sugar has been on roller coaster and using insulin pump should smooth it out. He warned me though that it would take more effort and commitment. He told me to expect testing my blood sugar for 6 times a day. I told him that I wanted to do it. So he set me up for appointments with his diabetic educator who will teach me how to use the pump. Unfortunately she is so busy that I can meet her on March 27 the earliest. Meanwhile, he told me to split up the Lantus injection to be 13 units at 10 pm and another 13 units at 10 am.

Happy news!!! My doctor said that the artificial pancreas was out there. It is similar to the pump but it can read blood sugar and automatically gives whatever dose of insulin needed. It is available but it is still very expensive and insurance still does not cover it at all. When I told this to my mom, she immediately said that she would pay for it. She did not ask how much! It was the greatest love I have ever felt. If God allows me be a mom someday, I wish to be like her. She seriously forced me to go back to my doctor and asked for it but I finally convinced her that the device is not perfect yet.

So here I am, I think the world will never go slow and easy on me. My graduation date is ticking, I will be out of school this May and that means I won't have health insurance anymore. I have been looking for information about this and been recommended to apply for cobra, which can extend my health insurance up to 18 months. But of course, I will have to pay for the premium charge. Sigh...I just hope that I will have the strength to keep my feet on the ground. It is just getting harder and harder.

No Lantus in Muscles

I have been having hard time to sleep lately since I have sore muscles in my feet. It hurts like crazy especially during bedtimes. I thought it was because of my exercise but I just found out that it was because I have been injecting lantus on my front feet! I did this in order to get better rotation of injection site. But I just found out to never ever inject lantus in muscles and nerves. Thank God I found this out soon enough because it was really painful. So I changed my Lantus injection site back to my tummy and I can sleep better now. Speaking about sleeping better, there is another problem. I have been having a lot of hypos lately. Just now I had the lowest, 58 mg/dL!!! Man I have never been that low; my hands were really shaky I am glad I checked my blood sugar soon enough. I am not in the mood of eating lately and it could have made my blood sugar better or it was my better blood sugar that has caused me not feeling like eating. It is the classic chicken and egg time. Anyway, I will see my new doctor tomorrow; we'll see if he agrees to decrease my NovoRapid dose.

Blast from the past: Baby Steps

I have lost everything but I still have not lost myself for sure. It's time to get my life back. I started seeing my doctor and dietitian again. I could see that my doctor was mad but I could never believe how much care she had for me. I had always been treated like her own daughter. She just said one statement to me,"It was ancient; it was a history. We can do better this time!" What a comforting statement; it really gave me a new hope. She told me that my case was not unusual thing; it actually happened to other people. My dietitian was also very supportive to me. She patiently listened to what I said and she told me that I had some kind of eating disorder. I learned bit by bit to accept my body image. She was very patient with me and told me to just take baby steps. She said that my diabetes management should fit my eating habit, not the other way around. She also mentioned that I focused too much on my diabetes and it was not healthy for my mind.

I started my log book again; my blood sugars were in the range of 72 to 458 mg/dL. I had some hypos and some highs and it was not a good time. It's gotten better though. I am still in the same insulins but my doctor increase the doses. Now I am on 26 units of Lantus at around 10 pm and 1:10 (1 unit for 10 grams carbs) ratio of NovoRapid. She also increased my correction factor to be 1 unit for every 40 mg/dL after 150 mg/dL blood sugar. When I got period, she increased my correction factor to be 1 unit for every 30 mg/dL.

I also RUN again woo hoo I love running, it just cleared out my bad mind. Whenever I got sad, I did some running and it brought me back to life. I changed my strategy on exercising this time; I did it moderately but continuously. I run for 30 minutes and work out for another 30 minutes every Sunday and bicycle for 30 minutes in weekdays. I gave myself a break on Saturday. I planned on swimming again but still could not find the right time that fit my schedule. I would also start my golf classes on March 5; I thought it would help me to keep active. However, exercise was not easy for me. It tended to increase my blood sugar. My doctor told me that my hormone level was increased during the exercise and so was my blood sugar. Thus she told me to exercise right after meal so that the insulin would still be active and she was right! My blood sugar was so much better; I did not have any 400's anymore.

Despite all of these good news, my blood sugar was not as stable as desired yet. My doctor told me that I had very slow digestion so that my blood sugar usually got higher after 4 hours because I did not have the rapid insulin anymore while my body was still absorbing the food. I think that my mouth is too fast consuming and my body is too slow digesting lol =) Anyway, she referred me to an endocrinologist who knows a lot about insulin pump. I would meet with him on March 6 for the possibility of using insulin pump (sigh) I actually had a lot of fear on this one. I did not think that another change would be a good thing for me but if it would make my life better I would do it. Insulin pump contains 3 parts: a disposable infusion set (small needle to be attached to my body), the pump (controls, batteries, etc), and the insulin. The insulin is just rapid acting and it would act as both the basal (like Lantus) and the bolus (like NovoRapid). Thus, the pump would be programmed to continuously give me drops of insulin and I should push button to give me more insulin when about to eat. I did not want to expect too much from this because anything could happen. I just kept this in my mind: worst case scenario, I would be back on my daily injections.

Blast from the past: Happy New Year 2007

I kept hearing weird voices. "If you don't stop it, I'll take everything!" Somehow I thought that God was talking to me but I just closed my ears. Then, it happened. I lost everything in a blink of an eye. It was supposed to be a happy new year but it was not for me. My love flew away; my heart just shut down. If there was someone to blame, it would be me. My career life did not do any better either; I have been collecting my rejection letters. It was a complete breakdown; I had nothing else to lose. Never in my life I felt that sad and lonely; it was so hard especially at bedtimes. But I think there was beauty in it. It made me stop for a while and try to analyze my life. I kept thinking why was I so unlovable? I realized that it was not because nobody wanted to but nobody can. I never let them. So I had to start from myself. I had to take care and love myself before I can start giving and receiving from others. I also realized that mind came first; others would follow. I had to start from my mind because everything I do and feel start from my brain. I forced myself to deconstruct my brain and tried to look diabetes not as a disease but as a lifestyle. That way I would never get tired of it. No one could never get tired of sleeping I suppose, so if I set my mind on diabetes as a lifestyle, it was more likely to be succeeded. I also tried to look my life in a bigger picture because indeed it looked very hard piece by piece but in the bigger picture, life is strangely fair. I kept listening to my favorite song from Monty Python; it is called "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life". This song really cheered me up.

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Blast from the past: Falling in Love

This was a miracle day; falling in love is the greatest feeling. Life was so good; I cherished every moment. I had never met a person with such passion and fighting spirit for life. He kept saying that he wanted to contribute at least one thing to make a better world. He can be assured that he's done to mine. He took a good care of me and motivated me to start my daily exercise again. He taught me how to run for 30 minutes which I had never thought to have the ability to do. He accompanied me swimming for other times to prevent me getting bored of running. He pushed me so hard that one of my friend questioned him whether it was too much for me. He always set my goal higher because he knew I could do better. He taught me how to stand up straight and be strong. But it was not an easy lesson. One year later, I ran away again. I wanted to be thin and slim but I was tired of exercising and dieting. I then started to cut down my insulin and eat anything I wanted. I also stopped seeing my doctor and dietitian. I received many calls from my doctor but I ignored her. I was very obsessed with my career too. I dedicated my life 100% for my career and put aside my priority on my health. In fact, my career and education life went really well just as I wanted. It was a very easy yet stupid solution. It was the dumbest decision I had ever made. Day by day, I started losing weight and I was proud of it. But I was sick; I felt so sick that one day my boyfriend had to take me to an emergency room. Just as I thought, I was ketoacidic. There were so many ketones in my body that I had hard times to breathe. The doctor said that I was brought to the hospital just in time, I could have lost it. After I was released from the hospital, my body recovered but not my mind. I started injecting more insulin but still not enough. I stopped exercising completely because I knew that exercising would make it worse during hyperglycemia (high blood sugar). I ate like crazy even more than my boyfriend did. I hurt myself so damn well but I did not realize that I hurt him even more. I had said and done things that I regret; I was completely lost. My family was worried about me too; especially my mom. She was very sad seeing me out of control. I had never been hospitalized again but it had gotten my eyes several times. I had several solar inflammations; my eyes felt burning when seeing lights. Sometimes my sight went blurred too. It had gotten to my feet too; my feet got swollen many times and I could not wear high heels. There was so much anger in me at that time. I was angry not because I had to have injections everyday. I was angry because I had to count every bit carbohydrates I ate; because I knew I had to deal with it always and forever; because even when I thought I did it right, it did not go as well as I wanted; because life was so damn hard. It was even harder because I am the kind of person who struggles to be opened to others, I really am. Sometimes if I force myself to be opened, the words just came out differently.