dang

I just found out he has girlfriend ='( #@*$*@(&$*(@&$(*@&$(*@&$(*@&$(@*$&@(*&$#*)(%*()$&@(*Y#%*$@)($_@(%_)*^$)(!!!!!!

there's somethin bout cOcO

this is embarrassing but i need to spit this out...so there is this guy, his name is corey but i like to think about him as coco...actually it's more 'koko' which in indonesian means big brother...i thought his name was kory...anyway don't know what's goin on with me but he really caught my eyes since i saw him first time...it was when i took pic for my school ID card, since we didn't have our chef jacket yet we used school's chef jacket, then after they took my picture he was standing a guy after me and he gave his hand to put the chef's jacket back on the hanging rack...he has about shoulder high brunette hair, he is skinny and tall but not too too tall...turned out that we were classmate for one of my classes, food safety (my worst grade class 'cuz i cannot focus!!!)...he doesn't talk much but he has deep voice, he always looks serious but he is as cute as a baby when he laughs, he doesn't carry many things to class like me but he is smart ...he always brings his hat though =D i don't know if he likes blue but most of his shirts he wore were navy blue...i barely knew him and almost never talked to him...i have been trying to talk to him but every time i saw him i was so speechless and my heart just went bUMp bUMp bUMp panic mode...he must have thought i was rude or weird...he lives off campus and he's not in school a lot, but despite that and even though i don't know him at all (i know how to spell his name from my friend's facebook) and we only had one class together, every time he is near somehow i can feel it and he always caught my eyes...this is so ridiculously crazy even 'til now (i am in ames for school break), i still cannot get him out of my mind!!! by the way i don't even know his status but i somehow hope that he is single =P if not, his girl is so damn lucky...anyway i think that this makes me realize that i am not dead inside yet...i think that i still hope for love...i think that it is easier for my heart to love than to be loved, i question myself whether i am actually lovable and i am questioning myself if i love the right way...is there the right way anyway? this is the first time i feel for someone not asian but does it even matter? Gosh i don't know what i should do with this feeling i mean i see him EVERYDAY in my mind it kinda freaks me out mannnnn life is crazy
speaking bout crazy, my blood sugar has been crazy too, i am having problem keeping it under control especially after my big lunch...i am kinda on the loose for my diet too...so in conclusion i am fucked up but hey this is life, it's reality, it's true story...in other words, i'm back in the game...hell yeah i am!

please pray

i am not feeling well, not that anything happened to me but because i got so damn bad news...my dear uncle got lung cancer and it's very acute, it has hit his bone...i wish i was in indonesia rite now, wish i could see him and support him...if you read this please help us pray for him

first weekend

so it's been a week here, lotsa food but the campus is pretty much separated from the community...the road is highway and there is almost no pedestrian walk...there's just bike line...i haven't figured out how to take a bus yet so i walked...i think saturday i walked about 1 hr each way and sunday i walked about 30 min each way...first time i did it i was 'lil bit scared of the vehicles especially the truck!!! when they passed through i felt like i was about to be hit hahahhaa, then it was really hard to cross the street 'coz there is almost no traffic light...and what stinks is that my foot still feels hurt sometimes but anyway i turned out to like it very much...why? first of all i can sing!!! as loud as i can tee hee hee, just need to remember watching my back just in case there is other pedestrian...second of all, it's good for my blood sugar, also it's better work out because the wind makes it harder to walk so it burns more calorie (i think =P ) hmm anyway it's just a thought hehehee i hope the weather is getting better, it will make another good reason to walk =)

leavin...

so i'll be leaving in 2 hours...i feel so sad right now, i'm going to miss my friends and family, i don't know how to describe my feelings right now...and i have this really weird feeling, i cannot get this person out of my mind...i just knew him for several months but i feel like i've known him for long...anyway, it's probably just a crush or maybe i'm just crazy right now (i really feel like losing my mind right now), i'm pretty sure i will get this feeling out of me soon...i hope so 'coz i don't think he likes me at all plus he's a lot younger than me ^__^ alrighty see you ames, luv ya!

PANIC MODE!!!

it's been a while, i have been keeping myself busy...i just realize that i loveeeeeee dancing, it just feels great...i think it's a powerful stress reliever...anyway i am on a panic mode right now, next week i will move to NY and start my classes (i cannot believe it's coming already)...i haven't packed up anything yet, still working on health insurance, just far away from being ready PLUS we will be performing hip hop dance this weekend YIPPIEE!!! i am excited for that but kinda nervous too 'coz we will be performing 4 times and i join 2 classes so i will be performing 8 times in 2 days woohooo....lets see how my stamina works out =) ooo and one of the classes just decided to do body roll, it will be on a concrete floor too...man i think last time i did it was in junior high school...not to mention the other dance is doing a lot of beginner break dancing...it is supposed to be easy i think but i never do anything close to this in my life ^__^ anyway i hope i can make it, i am practicing everyday...i really hope that i will not turn down the dances *cross my finger*...o by the way this wednesday is my last day working at perkins =( i feel so sad...although i have injured my hand and burned my hands there, i think working there really helped me lifted my spirit a little bit...gosh i never thought that i would feel this way but i am feeling sad of leaving this town...although i have said so many times that i want to get out of here, there is just too many memories here and i feel like home here...i guess no one would say this but i leave my heart in ames =)

what do you do when you are so broken hearted? i bake all the time, i run, i join belly dancing class, hip hop dancing class, t-shirt, ring, and cake decorating class...i mean i cannot get myself anymore busier, i am so tired mentally and physically but i still can't sleep...last night i did not sleep at all, this morning i burnt a pan of muffins what a great day...i know i have to be strong but man i feel like i truly hit the bottom of my life right now and it is so hard to get up, i really need a break gosh i wish i can have a break...i feel like a complete failure, feel like i am just a joke...i try so hard not crying, it gives me bad headache now...everything is so messed up, i wish i can just die

me & eating disorder

met my dietitian yesterday, this time the hospital's dietitian not student health center's dietitian...actually i've met her before, long time ago when i first got here but i don't think she remembered me...once again she told me that i had eating disorder...i am too obsessed with my weight and what i eat, excessive exersice, and i always think that i am fat...she said that chance of it happening in diabetics is greater than in normal people because we have to deal with counting carbs everytime and we watch out everything we eat...she told me that i didn't actually need to see dietitian 'cause i knew about that stuff already, i need to go see a counselour...i think it's true that i need to talk to someone about this, someone who would be willing to understand me 'cause i don't think most people can, but i got so tired of dealing with this...i feel like it's been too long and what if talking about it makes me more aware of it and makes it even worse? sometimes i get jealous at people who don't care about eating, they just eat anything anytime...i tried doing it last time but in the wrong way, i promise to myself that i won't play with insulin dose again...sigh~ i wish i can breakaway from this bad habit someday, God speed~

crappp @!@

diet in progress...arghhh can i get a steady weight plizzzzzz!?!?!

arghh

yesterday was really sad, it could have been the end of our story but i like to think of it as to be continued instead...that way, i can keep looking forward...anyway back to my lonely life here we go again be strong debby chan!!!haik