Diabulimia

I was watching the news the other day and they were talking about psychiatric problem called diabulimia. That was exactly what was happening to me for the past 4 years. Diabulimia is manipulating insulin intake in order to lose weight. That was what I did. I cannot remember how exactly it began but I remember exercising very hard and reducing my insulin until one day I threw up at the gym (because there was no insulin to convert sugar to energy, my body use my fat to produce energy and ketones which are acidic were produced). I remember when I was in Indonesia, I ate anything I wanted and ended throwing up in the bathrooms. One time, I was in the mall and I could not even go to the bathroom. I was so sick I threw up in the waste bin. Gosh, it was really horrible. I remember when it was Ash Wednesday I was praying so hard to end my behavior...I kept praying but no, I could not stop it. I even went further because I wanted to lose more weight. I stopped takinginsulins for my meals, cut down the lantus and eat anything I wanted. I became very sick and one day it was so hard to breathe and that was when I ended up in the emergency room. The doctor said I almost died; I thought he was joking. But I think about it again, if my ex-boyfriend did not get me to the hospital at that time, I might not be here writing. After that I was still struggling. I knew how many units of insulin I should take in order to prevent me from throwing up but still stopped me from gaining weight. I just took 10 units of lantus a day and that's all, no more short acting insulin, just a little bit of the long acting insulin. It was just the beginning of this year I started to get help and stopped playing with the insulins . Anyway, I was very surprised to know that I am not alone. It was so sad that the girl in the news died at age 28. I know that some people might look at us and think that we are crazy. But believe me, it was not easy at all...it was not easy to think that you were dying and you were dying alone. It is even not easy for me to write about this again. All I know that I needed help but I could not get any. So if you know someone has this problem, please don't blame or judge, please give him/her a help. It is not easy to help though, sometimes just a big hug would do. For me, I remember a doctor called me and just saying "Deborah, we can help!" It was when I finally gave up the play. If any of you have diabetes, please don't start doing this. Believe me, it's a nightmare, it's not worth it. Even now I am still on my battle. I have lost 20 pounds to 98 lbs but now I am gaining weight again as my health gets better. I know I am on the right track, but it is just hard. I never have a stable weight in my life. It is either way above or down below. Sometimes people look at me as I am too thin but I always have a different mirror.

Don't Worry...Be Happy

I had a fight with my dad again yesterday. He said so many things but one that was bugging me was that he thinks that I am arrogant now having had my MBA and determined that I could make my own decisions. Well I think I deserve to make my own decisions, don't I??? I am almost 24 now for God sake. He said that all of my decisions have been bad except for my academic. It really burnt my feeling. How dare he judge me with the fact that he's NEVER had my life even for just one second. Maybe his life has been tougher than mine but it was completely different. He is never put in my shoes so I don't think he has the right to say whether I am right or wrong. He can give me advice but no one has the right to judge me!!! I always think that there is no right or wrong, there is only consequences. I wanted to say that but I remained silent. He is so sensitive now that if I say anything, he would feel disrespected. I went home trying to just forget what he said and remembered what my best friend said "Don't worry, be happy!" She said her dad likes singing it. I found the song in you tube and listened it all night long :D

...

I was wrong...I am such a bad person to just judge without evidence. I am not sure if he (my ex) has another girlfriend now; I was even worse to judge who the girl was. I really regret of what I said, what I thought, what I assumed. Even if he does find his love, I would be very happy for him. I think I can finally understand what love is. That being said, the reality is far harder...it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Anyway, my life really sucks at this time. Just now, another fight with my dad. I really think that I have to go...I think it's my destiny to be alone but I don't know, we'll see. It's not that I hate anybody...oh how I wish I can just hate, it would make it a lot easier. But I have tried, tried to hate but my heart just refused to do so. But deep down I am thankful for that, I feel really blessed because hate would just steal me away from peace. Yesterday, I talked with my doctor and she said "It is not your responsibility to make anybody happy. It is not your responsibility to make your parents happy. Even when you get married later, it is not your responsibility to make him happy. We are responsible for our own!" I think that it is true. She said that whatever life they have chosen, it's their choice, I cannot change it.

A Fool

I am sorry for not writing for a while. I was very busy preparing our food science competition in chicago. I just came back 3 days ago. It was a really fun trip I must say. Although we didn't make it to the top three (we were number four), we learnt a lot through the competition. I was worried that my legs will bother me but I actually reduce my medicine (neurontin) during the trip. I forgot to take it one day and I was fine so I just kept it twice a day up until now. I also met with my high school vice principal there and it was like a nostalgia back to high school. The funny thing is that he was taking classes and I didn't, just the opposite of when I was in high school =) Ohh I ate a lot of sugars hahahhaahaha yeahh real sugars...like egg tart, green tea cake, mochi ice cream, pistachio almond ice cream (my favorite kind of ice cream) yummmmm sugars taste sooo good; I looked like a kid again =D I had a hard time adjusting my blood sugar but it was still okay.
I am glad that the trip turned out to be fun because the day before we went, I was in a real bad mood. One of my turtle (named mimi) was stolen. The kids on the block said that they saw a little girl took it. I was very sad; I put a lot of signs around but he is not coming back until now. Now my other turtle (named momo) is lonely; I want to buy other turtle but it's not available on her size. If I put baby turtles together with her, she will hurt them. But I think she will be fine though, she is a tough turtle heheueheheehe...Anyway, I had a huge fight with my dad, this time is about him (my ex), about my freedom, about choosing my way of life.
I think about it again now, I start questioning is it worth fighting for him? I just found out that he is in a relationship now. I think I know who she is and I think they are getting married soon. Could it be worse? It was like getting a bomb on my face. So I finally understand the real reason why he left me...I think he didn't tell me the truth because he didn't want to hurt my feeling. Well, this way is actually worse. O Gosh he is the only one I trust but he is the only one who has hurt me the most. I just can't describe my feeling right now, am I just a fool? Well, at least I think he is happy now so God has answered my prayer. Anyway, for me, must have rains to see the rainbow. I think I haven't had my rains enough just yet.

Thank You for the pain

I had a great lesson yesterday. I was watching a documentation movie in TV called "Living Without Pain". There are some people that are born without the ability to feel any pain. Gosh I never thought how painful it is to not feel pain. There was this little girl, she was 4 when all of her teeth were ended up taken off because she kept chewing her finger to its bone! Then she had to wear goggles day and night because she kept scratching her eyes. One of her eyes was then taken off too because of a bad infection. Yes, the whole eye!! Then she burned her hands a couple times by touching light bulb and waffle maker. O my God it was terrible, there were really black burned spots on the palm of her hand. So there I was sitting in pain watching my opposite. I knew that God was talking to me and I answered, "Thank You for the pain!" I almost lost it too you know. If I did not treat my blood sugar soon enough, my nerves might have been damaged and I might not be able to feel anything at all.

Thank You for my nerves still feeling the pain
Thank You for my legs still dancing
Thank You for my eyes still seeing clearly
Thank You for my ears still hearing
Thank You for my kidney still working
Thank you for my hairs still growing
Thank You for my heart still beating strong and loving
Thank You for my hands still typing with speed
Thank You for my brain still thinking and remembering
Forgive me for whining and complaining

Illusions

I've been struggling to get my life back. I am on my way though. It's very slow but I am getting there. I had a dream of a black and white wedding. I thought that was weird ^_^. Anyway, last weekend was fun; I went to my best girlfriend. She was my roommate and I am blessed to have a friend like her. It was very comforting to chat with her and we then watched Ratatouille (funny movie :D). Then I got a message from my high school's sort of like vice principal (wakil pamong) that he is in Chicago getting his master's degree. He has been a priest now. I like chatting with him because he is funny and always encouraging =). By the way, last night I watched a movie called "Instinct" in TV. Wowww, I love it love it. It makes me realize that everything that I have lost is just an illusion. I never own anything in this world but one thing we can all pursue is freedom. Control and power are just illusions; made by human. Somehow after watching that movie, it feels so much easier to let go of everything that was not mine in the first place. It's just an illusion that I thought I owned. But I am free to love, free to say no, and free to live. I am free to choose. Finally, I can feel peace and smile again.

I said HEY, WHAT'S GOIN ON?

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means

And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar.

And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say: HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say: HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea
I said hey, what's going on?

ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh
ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh

and I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution

And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution.

And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh ooooooooooooooooh

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
for a destination
mmh mh