I said HEY, WHAT'S GOIN ON?

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means

And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar.

And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say: HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say: HEY! yeah yeaaah, HEY yeah yea
I said hey, what's going on?

ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh
ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh

and I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution

And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution.

And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?

ooh, ooh ooooooooooooooooh ooooooooooooooooh

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
for a destination
mmh mh

The cloud in my head

He came back last week and when I heard his voice, I was so excited I did not feel the pain in my legs no more. It was so good to see him but everything was different. I know I should have expected this but you know, it's easier to be said than done. Ever since that day, I kept bugging him on the phone trying to find a reason to talk with him. I guess I have to stop now. He kept his promise today though. I requested him my last wish: dancing. O God how we danced gracefully. My eyes were closed tight the whole time and I knew, I was very sure, that God was watching us. I should have picked up a longer song but I decided to pick up "our song". I was very grateful to have that opportunity but I was so sad to let him go. He will not stay here long and he doesn't let me go with him. You may think how pathetic I am but he is really a big part of my life. He was my inspiration. How ironic, I still remember when I was diagnosed with diabetes I was sad thinking that I will not be able to eat my wedding cake with my future husband. Now, because of the pump, I can eat real sugar and I am still sad because I have no one to share with. I am sorry, it's just good to write this off of my mind cause otherwise I just sit on my bed all day long looking like a crazy woman. Anyway, 2 days ago at 8 pm, my doctor called me. She said that my HbA1c was 6.1% yeyyyy normal is below 6% but this is my best result since I was first diagnosed. I was happy with the news but I was really touched that she called me that late. She is just the best doctor. She really cares for her patients. Alrighty, my health is getting better and better but my mind is just the opposite. To be honest, I never felt this low in my life; sick, lonely, no career, no future whatsoever. I am almost falling apart. So I guess I have to work on this now; gotta keep moving...gotta keep breathing no matter how painful it is. I guess that's life.

Healing

Last monday I saw a gastrologist. He told me that he wanted to have a procedure called endoscopy done to me. It is a very tiny camera that is inserted to my stomach trhough my throat so that he can see my stomach lining. That way he can detect any inflammation , ulcer, and take a sample of it to see if there is bacteria. I was sooo nervous the night before; I was scared to death. I imagined me opening my mouth and this thing go inside it ewww...plus I had to be fasting from midnight until the test was done which was the next afternoon (good thing I had slow digestion, I was not hungry at all tee hee hee) So it was the time to do it, my mom told me to not worry. Then my nurse said,"What really said was have fun ! But don't get used to it too much ." I smiled but had no idea what she was talking about. I laid down trembling cold so my nurse had to get me three warm blankets. They were very nice and comforting. Then she had a little chat with me and told me that I will be asleep but I will be able to hear everthing and she told me that when the doctor said swallow, I should do it. She also told me that after the procedure, the doctor will talk to me but I should have my mom with me because I might forget what he says. I was like okayy, this is weird, I never have problem with remembering; I don't think. Then suddenly I was awake and everything was done. I did not fell and remember anything. I was sleepy though. But man, my legs felt like normal again. I asked my nurse, "Did I swallow?" "Yupp!!" She said. I then asked her if they gave me pain killer and she nodded too. Then when I met with the doctor I asked him if I could have the pain killer again and he just smiled. Okay, maybe not then. I told my primary doctor about this the day after and she just laughed saying "Of course! It was a tiny dose of narcotics! You don't want too much of that." Hahahaa....everything makes sense now. That's why too I was told not to make important decision 12 hr after the procedure. Oh man, I swear it made my whole body good and made me happy. But I am okay with how I am now too though. My legs are improving although my stomach is still learning to eat again. I am in my healing process and I am very grateful =)

Hehehee...

GUESS WHAT??? I am so close to recover yeyyyyyyyyyyyy my mom read from internet that vitamin called alpha lipoic acid can help nerves so I tried it and wooshhh miracle happened. My feet can dance again tee hee hee well, it's not 100% yet but it's just so much more than I could ask for. It also cleanse my blood stream and help my metabolism so now I have a lot of hypos...yesterday was crazy I got hypo for 4 times from noon to 5 pm. Then I could not stop eating ^__^ and my blood sugar got up until 280 mg/dL. I felt sick but I immediately gave my body insulins and this morning it went back to 75 mg/dL again. It was like roller coaster but it's alright. I decrease my insulins a lot today so hopefully I don't get anymore hypo but not get hyper either.

Living with Pump

It's been 3 weeks since the first time I put on my pump. Other than hating the hanging tube, it's been fine. I have been keeping it on my tummy though since I am too thin to put it on other parts. My weight has been quite stable at 100 lbs now pheww...I was afraid to look like a walking skull. Anyway, my gastropharesis (slow digestion) problem has been on and on; I eat almost everything liquid now or at least semi liquid. Two days ago was quite scary; I thought I was really about to die. Here's the story. It was about 9:30 pm and I got little bit hypo. It was 75 mg/dL but for some reason I felt really hungry. So I ate my crackers and finally decide to eat chocolate bread for just one bite. I think the last time I ate chocolate bread was 12 years ago. It was so good that I forgot to chew it real well. Then about half an hour later I started feeling not good. I started screaming again but stopped when all the lights and sounds have been turned off. I was ok for a while but then suddenly it was so hard to breathe and I had abdominal pain too. O my God, it was terrible. But then I threw up some clear liquid and I got better. Then a little bit later it came back again. This time it was REALLY hard to breathe; I thought it was my time! But thank God...thank God I threw up the bread (Yes, the only 1 bite I got). Apparently it got stuck on its way down. Gosh...gotta keep breathing...gotta keep breathing!

Graduation

I just graduated yesterday!! This time it is for real; I come to the real world now. I felt happy yet scared. Anyway, for my health update, my doctor change my medication to neurontin, It is a medicine to calm down the nerve. It has been working soooo well =D I love it; my legs have been close to recovered. O by the way I just found out that I have been having headaches because of low blood pressure. So yesterday my mom bought me a handy blood pressure monitor (it's like a big watch). I noticed that my blood pressure dropped every time I was hungry =) Luckily the graduation gown is very big so I can hide the meter on my hand. I was really worried if anything happened to me yesterday at the graduation ceremony but no, everything was fine. I was really happy to see a lot of my friends cheering for me. He could not come though. But he gave me a dolphin necklace soooo cuteeee!! I was really happy; I felt that he was there for me =) I think I was too happy that I had a very sweet dream about him last night =P

My Gift

Two days ago I decided to stop taking the anti-depressant and reduce my sleeping pills. The anti-depressant has really made me depressed and it has not help my legs anyway. It did at the beginning but not so much anymore. So I thought, while I am still in a small dose I just stop it. My doctor is on vacation this week so I cannot discuss this with her. I hope I did the right thing.

Ever since I had diabetes, I have always been sour about it. I really wish I can be a normal girl; I want to eat whatever and whenever; do whatever and whenever. I really wish my life is going back to before I was 12. Then, yesterday I watched Halle Berry in TV. She has been diabetic and she said it was a gift from God. It really hit me. I thought to myself I'd better to start thinking that way. Yes, it is my gift for it has made my life more meaningful. Normal is boring!