Hehehee...

GUESS WHAT??? I am so close to recover yeyyyyyyyyyyyy my mom read from internet that vitamin called alpha lipoic acid can help nerves so I tried it and wooshhh miracle happened. My feet can dance again tee hee hee well, it's not 100% yet but it's just so much more than I could ask for. It also cleanse my blood stream and help my metabolism so now I have a lot of hypos...yesterday was crazy I got hypo for 4 times from noon to 5 pm. Then I could not stop eating ^__^ and my blood sugar got up until 280 mg/dL. I felt sick but I immediately gave my body insulins and this morning it went back to 75 mg/dL again. It was like roller coaster but it's alright. I decrease my insulins a lot today so hopefully I don't get anymore hypo but not get hyper either.

Living with Pump

It's been 3 weeks since the first time I put on my pump. Other than hating the hanging tube, it's been fine. I have been keeping it on my tummy though since I am too thin to put it on other parts. My weight has been quite stable at 100 lbs now pheww...I was afraid to look like a walking skull. Anyway, my gastropharesis (slow digestion) problem has been on and on; I eat almost everything liquid now or at least semi liquid. Two days ago was quite scary; I thought I was really about to die. Here's the story. It was about 9:30 pm and I got little bit hypo. It was 75 mg/dL but for some reason I felt really hungry. So I ate my crackers and finally decide to eat chocolate bread for just one bite. I think the last time I ate chocolate bread was 12 years ago. It was so good that I forgot to chew it real well. Then about half an hour later I started feeling not good. I started screaming again but stopped when all the lights and sounds have been turned off. I was ok for a while but then suddenly it was so hard to breathe and I had abdominal pain too. O my God, it was terrible. But then I threw up some clear liquid and I got better. Then a little bit later it came back again. This time it was REALLY hard to breathe; I thought it was my time! But thank God...thank God I threw up the bread (Yes, the only 1 bite I got). Apparently it got stuck on its way down. Gosh...gotta keep breathing...gotta keep breathing!

Graduation

I just graduated yesterday!! This time it is for real; I come to the real world now. I felt happy yet scared. Anyway, for my health update, my doctor change my medication to neurontin, It is a medicine to calm down the nerve. It has been working soooo well =D I love it; my legs have been close to recovered. O by the way I just found out that I have been having headaches because of low blood pressure. So yesterday my mom bought me a handy blood pressure monitor (it's like a big watch). I noticed that my blood pressure dropped every time I was hungry =) Luckily the graduation gown is very big so I can hide the meter on my hand. I was really worried if anything happened to me yesterday at the graduation ceremony but no, everything was fine. I was really happy to see a lot of my friends cheering for me. He could not come though. But he gave me a dolphin necklace soooo cuteeee!! I was really happy; I felt that he was there for me =) I think I was too happy that I had a very sweet dream about him last night =P

My Gift

Two days ago I decided to stop taking the anti-depressant and reduce my sleeping pills. The anti-depressant has really made me depressed and it has not help my legs anyway. It did at the beginning but not so much anymore. So I thought, while I am still in a small dose I just stop it. My doctor is on vacation this week so I cannot discuss this with her. I hope I did the right thing.

Ever since I had diabetes, I have always been sour about it. I really wish I can be a normal girl; I want to eat whatever and whenever; do whatever and whenever. I really wish my life is going back to before I was 12. Then, yesterday I watched Halle Berry in TV. She has been diabetic and she said it was a gift from God. It really hit me. I thought to myself I'd better to start thinking that way. Yes, it is my gift for it has made my life more meaningful. Normal is boring!

Surviving

As much as I tried to think that everything was getting better, it has not. It just comes and go. One day I would be fine; the next day would be the opposite. I have been having problems with eating and sleeping; two things I could never imagine to have trouble with. My body just keep shrinking; I weigh 102 lbs now. My legs have been improving but not recovered completely yet. My doctor has prescribed me with acid reducer, anti-depressant, and sleeping pills. It has been helping a little bit but I got headaches as its side effect. I am also constipated, too. My bowel movement has been once in 3-5 days. Anyway, although I am really getting tired of these, I am surviving. I am grateful that I am willing to take care of myself right now. It's all that matters for me right now.

Shit Happens

I am feeling so much better today; trying to get back on track. I even hopped on my bike again and made it for 30 minutes woo hooooo....I think I can start running again this weekend. I really hope so. My legs are getting better; even their hairs start growing again tee hee hee...sometimes I am just amazed of what blood sugars can do to my body. Anyway, I often feel nauseous again lately and this morning I was supposed to go to the hospital to have x-rays of my stomach. But I postponed it to tomorrow morning because I was supposed to be fasting after midnight but my blood sugar dropped too low during my sleep. So I had to eat and drink or otherwise I would have passed out.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I think I finally understand why my relationship failed. The bottom line is that he doesn't love me. So that's it, it's almost like a death sentence. I'd better learn to accept it. I mean what can I say? That's just how life is, shit happens you know. But I am thankful to have such a beautiful memory; I will carry it on for the rest of my life. It just reminds me that afterall life can be a miracle too. So people, while you are holding on to someone you love with all your heart, don't forget to cherish that moment every second and never let it slip away. As for me, come what may; just bring it on; I am ready. 'Coz for God sake I will be 24 years old this year and life does not stop here.

Today

Dear God,
Forgive me today as I start to hate the world
There was once thing called love
just died
There is so much hate in me right now
I can't hide it no more

God, forgive me I am falling
But I promise to be strong again someday
but not today
Today, I am frozen
I know You will keep me warm
but not today
not today